So, I'm a married 33 year old mother of 3 and as a result I decided to create this blog. I hope to reach other women who identify with the struggles of over coming various experiences; like mental illness, addiction, divorce, infidelity, narcissism & breaking free. It's a journey, especially without support after isolation....I know my story and progress would be of help to others who are going through what I went through or will experience with no understanding or resources. Perhaps my weaknesses and strengths along this journey empower some with the tools to cultivate the best within themselves.
Where do I begin... Well for starters I look for errors by nature as an infj and I generally stew over the structure and grammar of anything I write but here I want to be free to be myself. To put my words on this site with a commitment to doing so without procrastinating and self doubt. SELF DOUBT, where does it come from? Emotional Distress fuels Self-Doubt which in turn causes us to suffer from depression or anxiety. I first became aware of both around the age of 4 growing up in a alcoholic household gradually the self doubt grew with each grieving phase ending my last three relationships. Finally after marriage I really fel t the most self doubt.
When did it begin in my marriage, I would have to say the third month of being married. Just a little back story, I met my husband online after I'd posted on Craigslist specifically what I was looking for in a guy. Well, after months of chatting and texting we finally hooked up without sex, with him staying over three consecutive nights at my apartment. It didn't take long before we both were sexually infatuated with one another and even less time before he was on to the next woman. Or in this case man, I'd found out he'd emailed trannys and gay "bottom males" to which he responded they could "G" Out just the day after my birthday and avoided me the entire night/day as I fell asleep on my mothers sofa in tears unknowingly. I was devastated lost and even more married to this man. We had the same exact galaxy phone which I picked up accidentally to even see the emails being in such bliss. I was instantly sick to my stomach, we'd just signed a twelve month lease. I immediately called his mother. Certainly she could be of some influence or understanding, this was her son! She told me over the phone that she'd always thought he was bisexual or had tendencies which was even more shocking since she was there to see us off before marriage. She even told me she was happy he'd found someone to love him and before I ended the call with her she told me if you love him you'll get through it and he'll never cheat on you. Interesting wording because I carried the hurt and harbored it more than he did because he didn't consider it a betrayal nor expressed remorse. In fact it was a foot note and since I'm understanding and had so much ego I was determined to keep and fix him and our relationship. The words his mom said though couldn't be truer... "I'd get through it, " just not with him.
Fast forward to four years later and well let's just say the quiet, eye glass wearing confidant who showed so much interest in my children and I was now Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. As I began on this self journey on May 9th, 2016 I took an interest in Crystals and Healing through trying to find something scientific and spiritual. I also took on a psychology course and read many books relating to intelligence, personality and codependence. In so doing im able to inter relate the two and add it in my writtings. One of the reaffirmations to stop focusing on my husband and to focus on myself that i received was through a tarrot cards which was the Devil......
No comments:
Post a Comment