- Ego
- My husband
- Alcohol
The reason I chose the devil for this is because I received a few tarrot card readings where the Devil card showed up a few times during my transition. The Devil tarot card is representative of alignment. The Devil appears when you are feeling trapped by things such as unhealthy or co-dependent relationships, financial debt, unproductive careers, unhealthy lifestyles or addictions, or consumerism and materialism. As you can tell there's more devil in our lives than God however, this card was the reassurance that the change I was experiencing was due to the Devil in my life, my husband.
After years of confronting him on various issues I had to ask myself; what do I gain by letting my ego control my life and decision to stay married? Am I feeding an addiction? Do I think I'm unworthy of love, happiness or peace? Why?
First I want to start by saying some of the things I experienced I contributed, one of them being my drinking! Every time I experienced pain, a traumatic experience, a disappointment or happiness I would self medicate. It wasn't until I started looking deep at myself for understanding as to what the triggers for this were. So as you can imagine this being my primary coping mechanism was my "go to" (a sense of comfort). The drinking removed the anxiety and allowed me to be as dark as I chose to be without remorse. This was evident at age 12 when I'd sneak into the bathroom of my parents house and finish my Dads cigarette butts and swig his gin on occasion. Certainly this was how one deals with stress in my eyes my dad had no weakness even though he drank it was my normalcy.
Through out my time in school, the army and after the army I continued to drink and be so egotistical. I was virtually numb to everything until I had my third child. Numb in the sense that I drank my problems aways and ignored my mental health. So now this Devil was rearing it's ugly head in my marriage as it had in all my previous relationships.
After finding the emails I spoke of in my previous post I went on a drinking tirade. I mean who was he to betray me, to have me fall in love knowing he had these types of skeletons in his closet? Sexuality is something that should be discussed in a relationship. I was stuck as to what to do, who to turn to and where to go. I hadn't completely healed from my last break up after six years and here I was again trying to pick up the pieces. I guess I was hurting over that night he stayed away and I knew he'd lied about falling asleep because my gut wouldn't let me rest. That night is cemented in my memory March 7th, the date on the emails. That should of been the red flag to keep my distance but instead I felt the need for companionship more than I needed to be alone to sort out my emotions essentially establishing a codependent type situation from the start. So I started to drink whenever those emails came to mind. I drank so hard I ended up at my moms drunk as hell with my nephew driving me there to talking about "My new husband" to a friend of an ex who coincidentally I called my husbands name as my other nephew tried to get me into a tub to snap out of it.
When my husband showed up to see me half dressed and drunk he was pissed. It didn't keep him away though but it was at this point I felt I'd invited the devil in. He manipulated that situation so much I felt I had to bare a lot of what he'd do over the next few months rather than focus on what he'd done. As I spiraled into a depression unknowingly drinking heavy and trying to avoid him. What I failed to account for through out this whole ordeal was my husbands mental illness.
My husband had bipolar disorder which some call the devil. It was evident in the emotions I was starting to take on. This is where the situation all comes full circle because had I left that day instead of being empathetic to his mental illness contributing to our demise it also provided an excuse for his behavior and my co-dependence. Codependent... Me not strong me... Not the kick your ass this would never happen to me, me we're talking about? Yes it was, I'd found messages in his inbox to an ex on our honey moon on the way to California. It said he was thinking of her and missed her as he was driving though New Mexico, Doretha his ex who is built and looks like Dascha Polanco but shaped like a square. Truly honestly.....
At this point what was I holding on to... Ego... Addicted to drinking to cope. Drinking daily was never my thing but on the weekend or when I'm hurt I'd binge drink. Finally the devil... My husband the master manipulator was spinning his web....feeding my co-dependence.
After years of confronting him on various issues I had to ask myself; what do I gain by letting my ego control my life and decision to stay married? Am I feeding an addiction? Do I think I'm unworthy of love, happiness or peace? Why?
First I want to start by saying some of the things I experienced I contributed, one of them being my drinking! Every time I experienced pain, a traumatic experience, a disappointment or happiness I would self medicate. It wasn't until I started looking deep at myself for understanding as to what the triggers for this were. So as you can imagine this being my primary coping mechanism was my "go to" (a sense of comfort). The drinking removed the anxiety and allowed me to be as dark as I chose to be without remorse. This was evident at age 12 when I'd sneak into the bathroom of my parents house and finish my Dads cigarette butts and swig his gin on occasion. Certainly this was how one deals with stress in my eyes my dad had no weakness even though he drank it was my normalcy.
Through out my time in school, the army and after the army I continued to drink and be so egotistical. I was virtually numb to everything until I had my third child. Numb in the sense that I drank my problems aways and ignored my mental health. So now this Devil was rearing it's ugly head in my marriage as it had in all my previous relationships.
After finding the emails I spoke of in my previous post I went on a drinking tirade. I mean who was he to betray me, to have me fall in love knowing he had these types of skeletons in his closet? Sexuality is something that should be discussed in a relationship. I was stuck as to what to do, who to turn to and where to go. I hadn't completely healed from my last break up after six years and here I was again trying to pick up the pieces. I guess I was hurting over that night he stayed away and I knew he'd lied about falling asleep because my gut wouldn't let me rest. That night is cemented in my memory March 7th, the date on the emails. That should of been the red flag to keep my distance but instead I felt the need for companionship more than I needed to be alone to sort out my emotions essentially establishing a codependent type situation from the start. So I started to drink whenever those emails came to mind. I drank so hard I ended up at my moms drunk as hell with my nephew driving me there to talking about "My new husband" to a friend of an ex who coincidentally I called my husbands name as my other nephew tried to get me into a tub to snap out of it.
When my husband showed up to see me half dressed and drunk he was pissed. It didn't keep him away though but it was at this point I felt I'd invited the devil in. He manipulated that situation so much I felt I had to bare a lot of what he'd do over the next few months rather than focus on what he'd done. As I spiraled into a depression unknowingly drinking heavy and trying to avoid him. What I failed to account for through out this whole ordeal was my husbands mental illness.
My husband had bipolar disorder which some call the devil. It was evident in the emotions I was starting to take on. This is where the situation all comes full circle because had I left that day instead of being empathetic to his mental illness contributing to our demise it also provided an excuse for his behavior and my co-dependence. Codependent... Me not strong me... Not the kick your ass this would never happen to me, me we're talking about? Yes it was, I'd found messages in his inbox to an ex on our honey moon on the way to California. It said he was thinking of her and missed her as he was driving though New Mexico, Doretha his ex who is built and looks like Dascha Polanco but shaped like a square. Truly honestly.....
At this point what was I holding on to... Ego... Addicted to drinking to cope. Drinking daily was never my thing but on the weekend or when I'm hurt I'd binge drink. Finally the devil... My husband the master manipulator was spinning his web....feeding my co-dependence.
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