I Ain't Your Momma, A Lesson on Codependency.

I always day dreamed of having that partner in life whose souls recognize one another as home. I can't truly say I've felt that connection with anyone. This especially holds true to me.  I've watched thirty three of my parents and grand parents marriages that exceed 45 plus years each of marriage before their husbands passed. I could be capable of such, I mean after all if we believe this will work then we'll do what it takes to make it work with obedience. No one told me nor taught me how to love myself and I realized through this process I hadn't been loving myself like I should of.

To discover that the person you married and devoted your life and love to is not only lying to you he's a narcissist, your struggle is he'll bound. I've learned that I was codependent and right on target with his narcissism to make for a bad situation. It's simply that I lacked a healthy relationship with self looking back going from one relationship to the next. There was barely enough time to heal from my previous relationships abuse. What was wrong with me why was I as most codependents prone to put others first before their own needs. This is unhealthy!

Ironically my husband was displaying behaviors of his bipolar but I identified him as a narcissists. Narcissists also have an unhealthy relationship with self. They put themselves above all else. They use others toward their own ends and exploit relationships without feelings of guilt or remorse. They push blame off on others and are unable to see their own part in wrong doing. All things that I was experiencing on a regular bases.

Looking back its easy to see how codependents and narcissists can gravitate toward one another. It is like two pieces of the puzzle coming together. One is the easy mark for the other but the connection is much deeper. As I read I learned that your unresolved childhood traumas will show up in your relationships as adults. Here I was being the codependent submissive my mother was with my dad and he single minded, hypersexual, emotionally unavailable person hell bent on making money.

As bad as it sounds it's true, during one of our routine arguments about his cheating ways he yelled "Bitch I needed a mother to treat me like a baby." in my mind I was like whoa, where'd that weird shit come from? I read there are familial links to this interaction. If you have one parent who is narcissistic you are likely to become either codependent or narcissistic yourself. If you have two narcissistic parents the same holds true. In this case I realized it then but was too busy being codependent to be proactive about my situation. How much of this was his bipolar, poor childhood experiences of mine made me sympathetic to him and his manipulation.

Once I begans to recover from codependency, I was able to begin setting boundaries and although I'd never feared him I could finally stand up to him armed with knowledge that I was not the reason for his mistreatment of me.   Despite the many times he tried to break it off it was difficult for me (maybe all humans but him) to conceive of someone who is totally bereft of the ability to empathize and learn from previous mistakes. The primary mistake I made was to giving him the benefit of the doubt because it is so hard to fathom someone could be so selfish and unyielding and love you. Thus the dynamic began.

The good news is although it took a while to fully understand that my husband (narcissicist) lacks that ability of compassion, which defines us as humans. Stop blaming yourself if you're in this type of situation it's them not you.  They are stuck in their own world of non blame and hence are pathological unable to change. How can one change if they are unable to see that there is anything wrong with them? Easily,  leave them be it's not your job. His inability to see what's wrong alone exhausted me. He was cold, unempathetic and detached. I was codependent.....key word WAS!

Dancing with the Devil

     Most of us don't even know when we're dancing with the devil because the devil's goal is to deceive and create evil. As I pursued my self journey I had many bouts with the devil. There were a few "DEVILS" I was entertaining;

1. Ego
2. My husband
3. Alcohol 

The reason I chose the devil for this is because I received a few tarrot card readings where the Devil card showed up a few times during my transition. The Devil tarot card is representative of alignment. The Devil appears when you are feeling trapped by things such as unhealthy or co-dependent relationships, financial debt, unproductive careers, unhealthy lifestyles or addictions, or consumerism and materialism. As you can tell there's more devil in our lives than God however,  this card was the reassurance that the change I was experiencing was due to the Devil in my life, my husband. 

After years of confronting him on various issues I had to ask myself; what do I gain by letting my ego control my life and decision to stay married?  Am I feeding an addiction? Do I think I'm unworthy of love, happiness or peace? Why? 

First I want to start by saying some of the things I experienced I contributed, one of them being my drinking! Every time I experienced pain, a traumatic experience, a disappointment or happiness I would self medicate. It wasn't until I started looking deep at myself for understanding as to what the triggers for this were. So as you can imagine this being my primary coping mechanism was my "go to" (a sense of comfort). The drinking removed the anxiety and allowed me to be as dark as I chose to be without remorse. This was evident at age 12 when I'd sneak into the bathroom of my parents house and finish my Dads cigarette butts and swig his gin on occasion. Certainly this was how one deals with stress in my eyes my dad had no weakness even though he drank it was my normalcy. 

Through out my time in school, the army and after the army I continued to drink and be so egotistical. I was virtually numb to everything until I had my third child. Numb in the sense that I drank my problems aways and ignored my mental health. So now this Devil was rearing it's ugly head in my marriage as it had in all my previous relationships. 

After finding the emails I spoke of in my previous post I went on a drinking tirade. I mean who was he to betray me, to have me fall in love knowing he had these types of skeletons in his closet? Sexuality is something that should be discussed in a relationship. I was stuck as to what to do,  who to turn to and where to go. I hadn't completely healed from my last break up after six years and here I was again trying to pick up the pieces. I guess I was hurting over that night he stayed away and I knew he'd lied about falling asleep because my gut wouldn't let me rest. That night is cemented in my memory March 7th, the date on the emails. That should of been the red flag to keep my distance but instead I felt the need for companionship more than I needed to be alone to sort out my emotions essentially establishing a codependent type situation from the start. So I started to drink whenever those emails came to mind. I drank so hard I ended up at my moms drunk as hell with my nephew driving me there to talking about "My new husband" to a friend of an ex who coincidentally I called my husbands name as my other nephew tried to get me into a tub to snap out of it. 

When my husband showed up to see me half dressed and drunk he was pissed. It didn't keep him away though but it was at this point I felt I'd invited the devil in. He manipulated that situation so much I felt I had to bare a lot of what he'd do over the next few months rather than focus on what he'd done. As I spiraled into a depression unknowingly drinking heavy and trying to avoid him. What I failed to account for through out this whole ordeal was my husbands mental illness. 

My husband had bipolar disorder which some call the devil. It was evident in the emotions I was starting to take on. This is where the situation all comes full circle because had I left that day instead of being empathetic to his mental illness contributing to our demise it also provided an excuse for his behavior and my co-dependence. Codependent... Me not strong me... Not the kick your ass this would never happen to me, me we're talking about?  Yes it was, I'd found messages in his inbox to an ex on our honey moon on the way to California. It said he was thinking of her and missed her as he was driving though New Mexico, Doretha his ex who is built and looks like Dascha Polanco but shaped like a square. Truly honestly.....

At this point what was I holding on to... Ego... Addicted to drinking to cope. Drinking daily was never my thing but on the weekend or when I'm hurt I'd binge drink. Finally the devil... My husband the master manipulator was spinning his web....feeding my co-dependence. 

Welcome to My Journey of Breaking Down & Breaking Through

Welcome everyone.....


       So,  I'm a married 33 year old mother of 3 and as a result I decided to create this blog.  I hope to reach other women who identify with the struggles of over coming various experiences; like mental illness, addiction, divorce, infidelity, narcissism & breaking free. It's a journey, especially without support after isolation....I know my story and progress would be of help to others who are going through what I went through or will experience with no understanding or resources. Perhaps my weaknesses and strengths along this journey empower some with the tools to cultivate the best within themselves.

Where do I begin... Well for starters I look for errors by nature as an infj and I generally stew over the structure and grammar of anything I write but here I want to be free to be myself. To put my words on this site with a commitment to doing so without procrastinating and self doubt. SELF DOUBT, where does it come from? Emotional Distress fuels Self-Doubt which in turn causes us to suffer from depression or anxiety. I first became aware of both around the age of 4 growing up in a alcoholic household gradually the self doubt grew with each grieving phase ending my last three relationships. Finally after marriage I really fel t the most self doubt. 

When did it begin in my marriage, I would have to say the third month of being married. Just a little back story,  I met my husband online after I'd posted on Craigslist specifically what I was looking for in a guy. Well, after months of chatting and texting we finally hooked up without sex, with him staying over three consecutive nights at my apartment. It didn't take long before we both were sexually infatuated with one another and even less time before he was on to the next woman. Or in this case man,  I'd found out he'd emailed trannys and gay "bottom males" to which he responded they could "G" Out just the day after my birthday and avoided me the entire night/day as I fell asleep on my mothers sofa in tears unknowingly.  I was devastated lost and even more married to this man. We had the same exact galaxy phone which I picked up accidentally to even see the emails being in such bliss. I was instantly sick to my stomach, we'd just signed a twelve month lease.  I immediately called his mother. Certainly she could be of some influence or understanding, this was her son!  She told me over the phone that she'd always thought he was bisexual or had tendencies which was even more shocking since she was there to see us off before marriage.  She even told me she was happy he'd found someone to love him and before I ended the call with her she told me if you love him you'll get through it and he'll never cheat on you. Interesting wording because I carried the hurt and harbored it more than he did because he didn't consider it a betrayal nor expressed remorse. In fact it was a foot note and since I'm understanding and had so much ego I was determined to keep and fix him and our relationship. The words his mom said though couldn't be truer... "I'd get through it, " just not with him. 

Fast forward to four years later and well let's just say the quiet, eye glass wearing confidant who showed so much interest in my children and I was now Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. As I began on this self journey on May 9th,  2016 I took an interest in Crystals and Healing through trying to find something scientific and spiritual. I also took on a psychology course and read many books relating to intelligence, personality and codependence. In so doing im able to inter relate the two and add it in my writtings. One of the reaffirmations to stop focusing on my husband and to focus on myself that i received was through a tarrot cards which was the Devil......